


starlight fade for you

by violetwreaths



Category: Primeval
Genre: Claudia is the mum friend they deserved, F/M, Nick refuses to admit feelings wbk, canon typical timeline fuckery, it's all very soft tbh, thought I'd fuck around and give myself feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-06-02 11:01:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19440100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetwreaths/pseuds/violetwreaths
Summary: there's nothing that hurts more than an almost. there's nothing that aches and leaves a hole in your chest quite like the promise of what could have been but what never can be now.or; the moments that defined nick cutter and claudia brown's relationship, before it was taken from them.





	starlight fade for you

**Author's Note:**

> i'm back in my primeval feelings to the surprise of uh absolutely no one who knows me at the minute.
> 
> title is from 'sunlight' by hozier

_May 2006_

While being sat in a hotel bar just outside the Forest of Dean wasn’t exactly how he had planned to spend his evening, Nick couldn’t deny that there was something about the situation that piqued his interest. Sure, there were dozens of rogue animal sightings a year - and a majority of them were big cats escaped from zoos, which could make perfect sense here - but something was different about this one. He didn’t know what was giving him that impression so he really hoped no one was going to ask but he just knew in his bones that this wasn’t a puma wandering around the forest. 

He had the photo and accompanying article spread out on the bar to study, even as he nursed the single whiskey he was allowing himself. Stephen was still out in the hopes of finding some sort of tracks that could help shed light on what they were dealing with and, somehow, he had managed to get the Temple boy to stay behind with Stephen.

It wasn’t that the boy was _annoying_ per se. He just really wanted the chance to be alone for a moment. He hadn’t been here since Helen had disappeared. Sighing, Cutter swirled the last of his whiskey around in the glass and closed the file with the article over. No more work would get done if he was going to be wallowing in his own grief and self-pity. It had been eight years. He had long since given up on any hope of finding Helen but sitting in a hotel at the Forest of Dean and musing over a creature sighting was enough to bring memories of her to the forefront of his mind. He did still miss her, after all. 

If he hadn’t been so consumed in his own thoughts about Helen, perhaps he would have clocked to the situation unfolding behind him. Or maybe not. No one had ever accused Nick of being particularly observant when it came to his fellow humans. He had never thought it was a bad quality. Most people seemed to be a waste of his time. If he _had_ been listening to the others around him, however, he would have heard the particularly awful chat-up lines being thrown around just behind him. 

As it stood, he was absently staring at the small photo of Helen in his wallet when he felt someone gently touch his shoulder, guiding him into a turn, accompanied by a softly spoken ‘excuse me.’ Before he could ask what the hell they thought they were doing, the stranger had slanted their lips over his in a kiss that was surprisingly sweet and chaste considering the entire situation. 

She pulled back gently, a wry smile curling her lips as she slowly released her hold on his shoulder. “Don’t panic,” she assured him in that same soft voice. “I just told that slimeball over there that you were my boyfriend. One more sleazy chat-up line and I was going to have to kill him.” There was amusement lacing her tone as she backed up to sit on the barstool next to him but somehow, Nick thought that she wasn’t entirely kidding. There was a flash of steel in her eyes that intrigued him and he had to admit, she had just made a bold move. 

“Well, I’m very glad I was here to help,” he said, ruffling his hair before belatedly realising that he hadn’t even introduced himself. His mother would be rolling in her grave. “Uh, I’m Nick Cutter.”

“Actually, I know who you are,” she admitted, a smirk flitting across her face as she quirked a shoulder in a gesture that was perhaps meant to be apologetic but read as entirely unbothered by her confession of pseudo-stalking. Nick blinked at her, tilting his head in a way that Helen had always said made him look like a lost puppy. The strange woman seemed to realise that she really should introduce herself and rearranged her features into a more friendly, open smile. “Claudia Brown, Home Office.”

Ah. A government woman. Nick really shouldn’t be surprised and yet, he found he was, just a little. He had always thought that government officials had far more confidence than was ever warranted. They tended to be cocky and too assured of their own capabilities. When he heard the words ‘Home Office’, Cutter expected some man in a perfectly pressed suit, with a sardonic twist of the lips and a nigh-on cruel sense of humour. He hadn’t expected this woman with her soft, auburn curls and her gently amused smirk. 

The least he could do was offer to make her job easier for her so he thought nothing of inviting her onto the search with his team. Nothing at all. The easy quip she tossed back to him in return startled a short laugh from him and he tried not to think about how proud she looked about that. 

Claudia Brown had not come equipped to search the Forest of Dean and, as they walked together to the woods, he couldn’t help but shake his head. “You really should have brought trainers or something to wear. Your feet will be killing you at the end of this.” 

“I’m hoping it won’t take that long, Professor,” she replied. If Helen had said that, Nick knew it would have had a biting edge to it, something to make sure he knew that if it did take a while, she would not be amused. Claudia Brown didn’t have that edge. Not like Helen. 

“Well, you never know what you’ll find out here,” he remarked, shoving his hands deep into his pockets as he approached Stephen and Connor, both of whom looked surprised to see the woman at his side. 

Of course, once Connor got wind of the fact that Claudia was a Home Office employee, he was convinced that all of this was a cover-up. Somehow, Nick hoped that it wasn’t quite as simple as that. It would be a shame. 

\----

_December 2006_

Most years for Christmas, Claudia had elected to take a few of her holiday days off and had spent them getting pleasantly buzzed on wine while focusing on gifts and bad Christmas movies. It was kind of a tradition. However, much like it had done with everything else in her life, the anomaly project had turned that plan entirely on its head. It was late December, around the time she should be sitting on her sofa with Love Actually playing softly while she wrote out gift tags, and Claudia was at her desk, trying to fill out yet another report about yet another creature incursion and yet another reckless attempt at heroics by Cutter. 

He really was becoming the bane of her life. Still, she supposed he had given her exactly the excitement she craved. She had to be at least a little thankful for that because, for all she was exhausted, she felt like what she was doing with the team really mattered. It was something she hadn’t ever felt until now. Carefully, she signed off on the last of the report, tucked it into the large bag at her feet and rose, making her way over to Lester’s office. She knocked quietly and passed him the report, along with a tiny wrapped gift. “Don’t refuse it. It’s just a little thing and I don’t expect a thing back,” she said immediately, raising her hand to halt his complaints. Lester sighed and nodded, carefully removing the paper to reveal a pair of delicate silver cufflinks.

“Thank you,” he said before waving her away. “Now go home or do some work or something, so long as you aren’t here.” Claudia smiled to herself and let herself out, moving slowly through the Home Office. The others were still floating around, taking time to get cleaned up and finish their paperwork before heading home. She had been counting on that, at the very least. 

It didn’t take long to locate Abby and Stephen, both trying to make their way through their paperwork at a shared desk. 

“Careful, Lester will have your heads if that’s not right,” she said lightly, causing both of them to look up. 

“There is no way you finished everything that quickly,” Abby groaned, letting her head hit the desk. Claudia laughed and moved over. 

“Afraid so. I only came to spread a little bit of Christmas cheer. So, here, these are for you,” she said, fishing the two gifts from her bag and setting them down on the table. “It’s just a little thing, don’t worry about it,” she said as they both went to speak. “Consider it a congratulation for not dying,” she added wryly.

It had been kind of a struggle to find gifts to fit both of them perfectly but Claudia thought it was worth it. Abby had torn into the gift first and her face as she had opened the box had been enough to make her smile. She had found an independent company that made hand-sculpted jewellery of hyper-realistic pythons and the decent-sized pendant had turned out just perfectly, especially when threaded onto the leather cord she had found for it. “Claudia, it’s gorgeous, thank you.” 

“Don’t worry about it,” she smiled. Stephen was quietly fiddling with the envelope she had handed him and Claudia shrugged. “It won’t bite, Stephen. I promise,” she said gently and he nodded, opening it and pulling out the booking confirmation for the fencing centre her parents had once attended. “You can take anyone you like. You have free rein of the place for the whole day if you’d like.” 

“I didn’t tell anyone I used to fence,” he frowned and Claudia smiled, shrugging. 

“Nick mentioned it once.” At that, Stephen nodded and smiled back. 

“Thanks. I’ve missed it.” 

Claudia returned the smile and made her excuses, heading off in search of Connor. Somehow, he had gotten himself onto one of the computers and was searching up god knows what when Claudia found him. She cleared her throat gently and he jumped about five feet in the air. 

“Oh! I wasn’t doing anything,” he said quickly and Claudia smirked. 

“That’s the problem. Don’t you have a report to be doing?” Connor at least had the decency to look slightly ashamed as he prodded at the pile of paperwork next to him. 

“Yeah but it’s boring,” he sighed and she grinned back.

“Well, I won’t tell Lester anything so long as you get it in before you leave. I only came to give you this,” she said, carefully pulling the second last gift from the bag and handing it to him. “You can open it now.” The words had barely left her lips before Connor was yanking the paper away from the gift. It had taken a little bit of time but eventually, she had managed to locate an original Buffy pilot script, signed by the main cast. “Merry Christmas Connor,” she smiled. 

Connor carefully sat the script down before bouncing forward to pull her into a tight hug. “You’re the best! Seriously Claudia, thank you. This is amazing.” He enthused, giving her a squeeze before stepping back, smile brighter than she had seen for the majority of the day, which was saying something. 

“You’re more than welcome. Have you seen Cutter?” She asked with a gentle tilt of her head and Connor shook his head. 

“I think he went straight home, said something about how this was a waste of his time.” 

“Well, that certainly sounds like him. Thanks anyway, Connor. I’ll see you later. Hopefully not too soon though,” she laughed as she slung her bag back over her shoulder and headed for the door. 

Realistically, she should have just waited. She should have just waited for the next anomaly alert and forced her gift on Cutter then but Claudia had never been one to know when to quit. It took less than five minutes on her way out to check the system and find Cutter’s address. As she drove, she started to get the sinking feeling that she was making a horrible mistake but she had started now, she just had to commit to it. 

It didn’t take her long to pull up outside the house, killing the engine and picking up the wrapped gift before making her way to his door. She knocked once sharply and waited, shifting anxiously from foot to foot as she did so. 

It took Nick several minutes to answer, looking rumpled in a way that Claudia distinctly did not think was adorable and incredibly confused. “Claudia?” He asked and she nodded, forcing a smile to her lips. “If this is about the paperwork, tell Lester that I don’t give a shi-”

“It’s not. You left in a hurry though and I just… I have a Christmas gift for you. It’s nothing big and I don’t even know if you celebrate it but I just thought-”

“Oh. Oh, okay, come in,” he said, stepping back to let her in. Claudia made it a point of kicking her heels off by the door and padded through into his living room gently. “Do you want water or something?” He asked. 

“It’s okay. I won’t stay long. I just wanted to give you this,” she smiled, handing over the wrapped gift to him. “You can open it now. I mean, actually, I’d rather you did because if you don’t like it, I can change it before actual Christmas comes around.” 

Nick shot her a faintly amused smile and took the box, sitting down on the floor and picking up a letter opener from the coffee table to slice the paper open cleanly. Inside the box was a finely aged single malt whiskey, the bottle engraved with his initials in a neatly printed font, alongside another smaller box. He opened that one in silence, tracing his fingertip across the face of the watch inside. When he finally took it from the box to put it on, Claudia knew Nick would find that she had gotten his initials engraved into the back of the watch as well. Neither of those things could have been cheap and he couldn’t imagine that corralling the lot of them paid particularly well. 

He looked up at her, his expression warmer than she had ever seen it and smiled gently. “Thank you, Claudia. They’re both lovely. You pay attention.”

Claudia felt herself blush at that a little and waved it off. “It was nothing. Consider it a thank you. My life needed some excitement.”

Nick scoffed lightly and set the bottle onto the table as he moved back to sit on the sofa opposite the chair she had perched on. “I think we should all be thanking you. Half the time you make the calls to keep us alive.” 

She didn’t know what to make of the softness in his voice so she just shrugged a little. “You guys do all of the difficult work. I’m just...what did you call James? The civil service pen-pusher?” She said wryly, tucking her hair behind her ears. Nick shook his head fiercely. 

“Not at all. Lester might be exactly that but you? You’re far more special than that, Claudia Brown,” he said firmly. She steadfastly tried to ignore the flip her heart made at that. 

“Merry Christmas, Nick,” she whispered before moving to stand. 

“Stay for a drink. Just...for a while.” The offer came suddenly but, as Claudia looked around the undecorated, near-silent house, she found herself nodding. What harm could one drink do?

\----

 _June 2007_

“She’s absolutely fine, mate, she’s just taking a day off to recover. We’ve all had a concussion - it can proper knock you off your feet. She’ll be okay,” Stephen assured him and Nick scowled, going back to the papers that he should have been marking for his postgrad class. Not that any of them were particularly interesting. He was too busy thinking about Claudia. 

“Stephen, you wanna do some grading?” He asked and Stephen groaned.

“Not really but I don’t think this is much of a choice,” he huffed, accepting the stack of papers that Nick immediately deposited into his arms. “Why, where are you going?” 

“Out. You’re not my mother, Stephen,” Nick called over his shoulder, huffing out a short laugh as Stephen let out a sound of disgust. 

“I’d bloody hope not, Nick!” Stephen yelled after him and Nick chuckled as the door swung shut. 

He had never been to Claudia’s place before and all he knew was that she lived in the West End of London. That wasn’t exactly enough to go on which meant he was almost definitely going to have to go to the Home Office and see if he could convince Lester to tell him. 

The things he did for this woman. 

When he finally made his way into the Home Office, he wasn’t surprised to see Lester immediately scowling at him. It was no secret that the pair of them didn’t exactly get on but this was beyond that. So Nick steeled himself, moved to Lester’s office and knocked firmly before walking in. “I need Claudia’s address.” 

“Why? She’s recuperating at home and I trust she’s perfectly fine, no thanks to you as far as I’m aware,” Lester said dryly. 

Nick sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets so Lester wouldn’t see him itching to clench his fists. “I want to go and apologise to her. So if you could just give me her address then I’ll be out of your hair.” 

Lester seemed to be weighing it up for a moment. He could either give out the address and risk Claudia’s wrath when she got back or deal with Cutter’s annoyances for the rest of the day. It was an easy choice in the end. He was scrawling down the address within a few minutes. “If I hear one complaint from her, you’ll be in so much trouble that you’ll never be employed anywhere else.”

“Yeah, okay,” Nick said dismissively, taking the slip of paper and turning to leave. 

“Tell her I’m sorry,” Lester replied, a biting edge to his voice. Nick resisted the urge to flip him off for that particular comment. 

The drive to Claudia’s wasn’t particularly long but, as he made it, he started to worry about whether this was entirely appropriate of him. It wasn’t like he was expecting anything, it was just that he was concerned about her. Besides, she had shown up at his house at Christmas and that hadn’t been weird, right?

Eventually, Nick shut off the engine and stepped out of the car, making his way up to Claudia’s place slowly. It would be fine, he told himself as he knocked. It took a good few minutes for Claudia to answer, during which he began to worry if he had woken her or something similar. When she opened the door, brown eyes bleary and auburn hair pulled up into a messy topknot, he feared that he’d been entirely right. 

“Cutter?” She asked, scrubbing at her eyes as if she couldn’t quite believe he was there. 

“Yeah, hey. Sorry, did I wake you?” He asked and she shook her head, stifling a yawn. 

“No, it’s okay,” she murmured. Nick frowned, knowing she was almost definitely lying, but chose to accept it for what it was. “Is something wrong?” She asked through another yawn and he shook his head. 

“No. No, I just wanted to see you and make sure you were okay. I feel bad,” he said, even as Claudia laughed. 

“I mean, you should. Come in, although I can’t promise I’ll be the best company,” she said, stepping back to let him in. He did so and followed her through into an impeccably clean living room that put his entire house to shame. “Still, at least I can see again.”

“Thank heavens for small mercies, eh?” Cutter said, settling down on her ridiculously comfortable sofa. Claudia smiled and sank down to sit next to him, absently turning the volume down on her TV. She had been watching an old documentary about dinosaurs and he smiled faintly at her. “Take your work home with you often?” 

“Figured I should at least attempt to do a little research so you don’t all constantly leave me in the dust,” she smiled back tiredly. 

“Not at all, Claudia Brown. I think you hold your own just fine.” 

“Hm. The concussion says otherwise,” she laughed and Nick couldn’t help but smile back at her softly. It was nice, he thought. To know that she cared enough about their work and these animals to do extra work. 

“You learn anything fun?” 

“Mostly things I heard from Connor and forgot. They’re beautiful though,” she said, eyes sliding closed. She looked exhausted and, already feeling bad for interrupting her peaceful evening at home, Nick shifted slightly.

“That they are,” he murmured. “You can sleep if you want. I’ll go. I just wanted to check you were okay,” he added, moving to stand. 

“It’s okay. Just...stay here for a bit.” 

He wasn’t entirely sure she was even still conscious but all the same, Nick turned the volume down a little further so the documentary wouldn’t disturb her and made a conscious effort to stay still as Claudia slid sideways, her head coming to rest on his lap as she dozed. He checked his watch - the one she had gotten him at Christmas - and figured that he could shut his eyes for a little too. 

They couldn’t have been asleep for long when Cutter woke to Claudia faintly whimpering in her sleep. Still only half-conscious, he forced his eyes open, trying to gauge whether he should wake her or not. She jolted hard and whimpered again and he knew the sound was fear-based. Carefully, he ran a hand across her brow in an attempt to soothe her. It seemed to work and the tension drained from her body. 

Sighing, Nick bent to press a delicate kiss to her forehead. It was enough.

\----

_July 2007_

She had a bad feeling about this. And not in the fun, goofy, Star Wars way that Connor so often had a bad feeling about things. No, this was a gut-wrenching, nausea-inducing type of bad feeling. Watching Nick go through the anomaly with Helen was like the final twist of the knife. 

Something was wrong. She didn’t know enough about the anomalies or the creatures or the science to say what it was with any conviction but in her heart, she knew something was going to go wrong with this. 

Or maybe that was just the headache that had been insistently thrumming in her temples for days. She didn’t know what had been causing that either except the lack of sleep. This job was getting to her too much.

Claudia stumbled back to sit on one of the metal crates that the soldiers had brought, pinching the bridge of her nose in an attempt to relieve some of the pain. It didn’t help but somehow that wasn’t a surprise. “Are you okay?” One of them asked and she waved them off. 

“Fine, thank you,” she said brusquely. Instead, she fished around in her bag and grabbed two painkillers, swallowing them dry without hesitation. Hopefully, that would dampen the pain just a little. Enough to let her function properly. 

After about ten minutes, Claudia’s eyes caught a flicker in the anomaly and she leapt to her feet, waiting for Nick to reappear. Nothing. Connor and Stephen confirmed that there was no change in the anomaly and Claudia sighed, sinking back down to where she had been sitting before. 

It didn’t take long for her bad feeling about the situation to worsen. Her stomach started to roil with inescapable nausea and she scrambled to her feet, bolting behind a tree to retch violently. No one seemed to notice which seemed strange. Too much time being spent watching the anomaly, she supposed. At least some people were capable of focusing on their jobs. 

Slowly, Claudia straightened and made her way back round to join the rest of the team. “Has there been any change?” She asked. No one looked up. 

“Guys,” she prompted, clearing her throat. Again, no one even blinked. Something was wrong. She felt sick again. Trembling now, she reached out to place a hand on Connor’s shoulder. He didn’t react, merely tapped at his compass. Claudia let out a shaking gasp as she backed away. No one could see her. 

The events of the past few weeks snapped into sudden, shocking clarity and Claudia knew that none of it had been a coincidence. The nightmares about the creatures, her reflection fracturing into anomaly shards, the persistent headaches. All of it was leading to this and she couldn’t understand how or why but something was changing. 

Staring helplessly at her own hands, Claudia watched as her body began to fragment into pieces of the anomaly. Shaking a little, she raised her hand to her lips, still faintly swollen from her last kiss with Cutter, and touched them gently. Her last act before everything went bright, her vision flooded with light. 

\---- 

_July 2007_

Claudia Brown was gone. 

Claudia Brown was gone and it was his fault. 

As Nick staggered back, he turned his gaze down to the watch she had given him. 

The face was cracked, one clean fracture, straight down the middle. 

Claudia Brown was gone.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to yell at me on twitter @sapphicvers or in the comments below


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